Hey everyone! I hope you all had an fantastic and safe Holiday! These past couple of weeks have been extremely hectic, so I've pretty much put blogging and filming aside for awhile. Now that it's over and life is starting to calm down again, I wanted to share with you guys some photos of my Christmas (a little late, but better late than never!). I'm bringing you this post to ring in the new year and all of the plans and changes I have in store for not just this blog, but my life and future as well. A new year is all about changes and I encourage everyone to let 2013 be your chance to start fresh and make your life the best it can possibly be. Let it be your reason to get motivated to become to be the best you that you have ever been!
My mom and I
These pictures make me so happy. Gizmo gets so excited to get her presents on Christmas!
2013 is going to bring a lot of changes to my blog, which I'm so excited about. I'm sure you all know that I'm not the most consistent blogger and I tend to zone in and out of blogging, which I hate. That is definitely going to change this year. I have so many posts in store for you guys! I'm also going to be branching out as well. This blog has always solely been about makeup and beauty. I felt so limited all of the time, because there's so much more that I would like to share with everyone. This blog will always revolve around makeup and beauty mostly, but I want it to dabble in my life and other things that I enjoy, such as baking, decorating, photography, etc. To fit these changes, my blog will probably become simply "kailanmarie" instead of "makeupbykailanmarie". I hope that you all will enjoy these changes. Any feedback you have would be great!
I also wanted to announce that I'll be taking a hiatus off of making videos for my YouTube channel. I've wanted a beauty channel as long as I could remember and because I was always so shy and insecure, I started this blog instead to ease my way up to finally starting a channel! As you all probably know, I decided to just go for it and starting making videos for my channel back in October. I absolutely love the process of filming and editing and sharing with the people within the beauty community, but I've come across some conflicts.
Those conflicts are solely within myself and they basically tie into my problems with insecurities and self consciousness. This is something that I've always dealt with, but at the point that I'm at in my life, I've hit rock bottom. The main source of this issue relates to my weight issues, which I've been in denial about, for months and months. Less than 2 years ago, I remained at 118 pounds. I was so tiny that people thought I was annorexic. I wasn't, I was completely healthy. But that just shows you how little I really was. In these last two years, factors such as being in a comfortable, committed relationship, starting college and dealing with the stress that comes from that, and the biggest thing, which was going from having home cooked meals all the time to fending for myself and being on my own- which led me to have horrible eating habits. It's really hard for me to say it because I've been avoiding the truth for awhile now and I'm ashamed to face it now, but I've gained over 40 pounds, most of that gained in this past year alone. I don't fit in any of my clothes, haven't worn jeans in months, I'm afraid to go in public, and I've avoided every friend I had in high school because I don't want them to see who I've become.
My life has really taken a toll. I never imagined I would be the girl who would have trouble with weight, because it was never an issue for my entire life. Doing something about it was always easier said than done, because I seriously lacked the motivation. Going back to why this relates to YouTube though... When I would film and go to edit my videos, seeing myself on camera was way different than seeing myself in real life. I realized that when I looked in the mirror, I blocked out what I didn't want to believe was happening, but on camera, there was no where to hide it. It was sharing me point blank in the face. I was literally and utterly disgusted with how much I had let myself go. Every single time that I have edited a video for my channel, I fall into this mini depression where I just want to scream and cry and be somebody else or just go back in time and knock some sense into myself!
Those conflicts are solely within myself and they basically tie into my problems with insecurities and self consciousness. This is something that I've always dealt with, but at the point that I'm at in my life, I've hit rock bottom. The main source of this issue relates to my weight issues, which I've been in denial about, for months and months. Less than 2 years ago, I remained at 118 pounds. I was so tiny that people thought I was annorexic. I wasn't, I was completely healthy. But that just shows you how little I really was. In these last two years, factors such as being in a comfortable, committed relationship, starting college and dealing with the stress that comes from that, and the biggest thing, which was going from having home cooked meals all the time to fending for myself and being on my own- which led me to have horrible eating habits. It's really hard for me to say it because I've been avoiding the truth for awhile now and I'm ashamed to face it now, but I've gained over 40 pounds, most of that gained in this past year alone. I don't fit in any of my clothes, haven't worn jeans in months, I'm afraid to go in public, and I've avoided every friend I had in high school because I don't want them to see who I've become.
My life has really taken a toll. I never imagined I would be the girl who would have trouble with weight, because it was never an issue for my entire life. Doing something about it was always easier said than done, because I seriously lacked the motivation. Going back to why this relates to YouTube though... When I would film and go to edit my videos, seeing myself on camera was way different than seeing myself in real life. I realized that when I looked in the mirror, I blocked out what I didn't want to believe was happening, but on camera, there was no where to hide it. It was sharing me point blank in the face. I was literally and utterly disgusted with how much I had let myself go. Every single time that I have edited a video for my channel, I fall into this mini depression where I just want to scream and cry and be somebody else or just go back in time and knock some sense into myself!
Like I said, I'm at rock bottom. There's no way in hell I could consciously let myself get past this point. I'm letting the new year motivate me to get back on a healthier path. Which leads to me to why I'm going to be taking a break from YouTube. It was only negatively affecting me, which was so disappointing because I've wanted to make videos for the longest time. I need to take care of myself for awhile and become who I was before, before I lost sight of myself. I'm not sure how long I'll take a break from videos, but I will keep you all updated!
I'm sure by now you can guess what my goals are for the New Year..
I'm dedicated because I'm giving myself no other option. I really hope that you all will understand so that I could perhaps also share my journey with you all on here, along with the other changes, as well!
If you got through all of that, I seriously love you. And I hope that at least made a tiny bit of sense to you, as it was very hard for me to write and will be even harder to publish this post. I hope that in some way, me sharing this with you, will help you to start making the changes you want in your life. You only have one life, give it your best shot!
I love you all so much and I appreciate all the kind words that each and every one of you takes the time to say. I hope all your New Years goals come true :)
It's so strong of you to share your personal struggles here! I know that many, many women reading this will be able to relate. I was always very fit up until my first year of college, when I gained probably 15 pounds. People at the time didn't notice but now looking back, they say they can see the difference. Even though I was still within a healthy weight range, I felt really strange, not like myself. The next year, when I lost the weight, I really took it too far - it was totally unintentional and I did lose it in a healthy way, just more than I meant to. I lost the 15 I gained, but then another 15. I looked awful, like a stick and I started breaking out a lot and I even started losing a lot of hair (somehow at the time I didn't connect the dots as to why). Now that I'm back to my normal weight, I feel good, but the whole experience has taught me a lot. Most important of all is our health and feeling confident and strong, no matter what. Try not to let weight keep you from doing things you love or would like to do. I promise you, almost everyone gains weight at the start of college. You WILL get to your goal weight, but in the meantime, remember almost all of us go through fluctuations like this and anyone who would judge others' for weight are pretty ugly people anyway. :)
ReplyDeleteThis was such a sweet comment and definitely something that I needed to hear. It's great to know that I'm not alone! and I think we can both agree that college sucks! haha.
DeleteI'm so glad you achieved your weight loss goals! even if you did have some struggles. It sounds like a great learning experience. Thanks for sharing it :)
As for myself, I just really hope I can stay motivated. I don't know how many times I've tried and failed and just tried to accept the weight gain, but it's gone too far! I hope by keeping realistic goals, I'll be on a good road to getting back to myself.
Thanks again for sharing!
Beautiful pictures, and good luck on your weight loss journey. All your followers are rooting for you :)
ReplyDeleteI also gained some weight when I started college - not as much as you, but enough to make me depressed when I stand on the scale. I no longer weigh myself, I just measure myself. Surprisingly, my measurements have stayed exactly the same and that makes me feel more confident. Good luck <3
Thanks Clara! and that's a really good way to look at it! I should probably stand clear on the scale and base it off of the way I look instead, but it's hard to resist checking the scale! I'm definitely going to try only measuring, that sounds like a great idea! Thanks :)
DeleteThat sort of thing is super hard to write. I'm sad to hear that you've hit rock bottom but I hope you'll let the bloggy community support you in your goals! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks girl! :)
DeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteReading this was like seeing my thoughts in print. I've always had body image issues. I thought I was a whale at 89 pounds.
Like you, the same things happened: committed relationship, moving away from home, etc. I've gained 50 pounds from the time my husband and I started dating! AH! And most of it was in a matter of a couple years.
And yeah, that's exactly what I do too: whenever I'm in my hometown, I'm afraid I'll run into someone I knew in high school. They would DEFINITELY see a BIG different. 50 pounds, man!
I've tried so many times to get back in shape and have failed every time because my focus was so skewed. I thought that as soon as I was thin, I'd be happy. Nope. I only hate and torture myself. I'm going to have to pray about a plan to really change all health aspects of my life: emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Keep me motivated!!
I don't want to go back to the small, unhappy me. I weighed myself constantly, pinched myself everywhere, said OUT LOUD terrible things to myself and other bad things. I want to be HAPPY but healthy at the same time--without my focus ever at all on how I look or how others see me.
Not that I think you do, but if you ever at all feel tempted to harm yourself, please don't. Let's keep each other accountable to reach our health goal!! :D
love & blessings,
Joyce
@joysmackme on Twitter (because my beauty blog is more extinct than Wooly Mammoths)
oh! I see that little miss Clara L commented on this post. Isn't she just a sweet peach? :P
Ugh girl, I cannot tell you how good it is to have someone that knows what I'm going through! This has been such a hard realization to deal with. I keep looking at old photos of my skinny self and getting so seriously depressed. It's agony. I just need to crack down and realize that I'm not going to be that way again, unless I take charge and control in my life to become healthier.
Delete& you're so right! It's so much more than simply losing weight- it's about changing your life style and the way you think! I feel like that's the only way to have a successful weight loss journey- thank you so much for bringing that to my attention. I totally hadn't even thought of it that way!
and when I was small, I wasn't happy either. I was either like "Oh, I need to lose just 5 more pounds" or "omg, I need to gain some weight". Looking back and going through this now, I just want to be at a weight that I'm happy with! Where I'm comfortable and confident. That's my ultimate goal :)
And good luck to you on your journey!! So glad we can be doing this together! Woohoo! :)
I admire you for your courage and strength it took you to write this blog, post and share with us. Size and numbers don't define a person. You are simply beautiful and I can easily say from within as well because it took courage to compose this post!
ReplyDeleteI pray for a healthy weightloss journey as well as healing from any insecurities you may have (as you stated above. I hope you resilience along the way.
resilience: the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like;
Wishing you the best and looking forward to reading more than just makeup on your blog!
-Leslie
Stay Strong!! ;-)
Thank you so so much! It's so nice to hear that, I can't even tell you. It really means a lot to me that I have followers like you that support me and have such kind things to say. It really warms my heart :)
Deleteand I'm glad you're looking forward to the new content I'll be putting up. I wasn't sure people would like that stuff, since they followed a beauty blog to begin with!
<33
Kailan, I have only recently found & followed your blog but it is so apparent to see that you are such a beautiful girl on the inside & OUT!!: I couldn't imagine how hard it was for you to post something like this. We all deal with our own personal insecurities, but we can't let them consume us. You are such an inspiration, I wish you the best in your weight loss journey!! I am currently working towards living a healthy lifestyle, and although I don't want to lose weight I definitely need to become healthy and tone. Me and my fiance have been together for 4 years, and it is so easy to become "comfortable" and almost lazy in sense lol I am such a homebody now! For the New Year we have decided to push each other to workout regularly & eat right. I also love watching YT health/fitness videos to give me motivation. Xoxo
ReplyDeletehttp://beauty.maybebabyxo.com/
Awee, thank you so much. You are so sweet. I'm so touched by all the kind things you've said!
DeleteGood luck to you as well on your new healthy lifestyle! I hope to reach that point in my life as well.
And yep, being in a relationship has definitely been a killer on my weight. We got comfortable, ate out too much, developed bad eating habits. He's gained weight as well and is also trying to be healthier now! He's always had more motivation than me, though. It's so much better when you have someone right there with you, with the same goals-like you and your fiance! I feel like it only makes it that much easier!
Thanks again for the kind words. xoxo.
You are so brave! Not too many people would have the courage to come out and admit all these things to the world. You ARE perfect, regardless of size. Our society pressures women to be perfect and maybe that's a toll in the beauty blogging world. Don't beat yourself up because you're not society's idea of perfect. Last time I checked society and social constraints suck and they make people feel bad about themselves when they shouldn't. You are beautiful and it's more than just the outside. Even through the internet and these blog posts I can tell you are a kind hearted person. That counts way more than the number on the scale. Love yourself in every form because you deserve it ;)
ReplyDeleteAaaaah thank you so much! That really means so much to me :)
DeleteYou're too sweet. <3
Hey Kailan, you are a beautiful and strong woman for sharing your story with your readers. I'm 26 and my rock bottom was a little over 2 years ago after I lost my husband to cancer and became a single parent to our daughter. The first year after he passed, I gained a lot of weight and was up to 186 pounds. After the one year anniversary of his death, on Halloween, I finally decided it was time to get my life back to " normal" (whatever that is). I lost 30 pounds on weight watchers and got back to a healthy weight for my height, which is 5'7". I know I could never be 130 pounds, which i've seen is a healthy weight for my height, plus I wouldn't want to, I'd look sickly. The real challenge is to not just focus on the number on the scale, but how you feel about yourself. I want to lose weight again this year, I'm back to 170, but at least this time it's not from depression. We can't control everything in our life, but we can control how we take care of ourselves by eating right and exercising, and I plan on doing that this year and sticking with it. I'm there rooting you on and glad you let us all in on your journey. Stay strong, and remember "When life knocks you down...calmly get back up, smile and very politely say, 'You hit like a B****.'."
ReplyDeleteP.S. I follow you on instagram and hope you will keep all your followers updated on your journey. @aje31286
I am currently going through the same thing, and I think it is awesome of you to share it on here with everyone. I also was in denial about how much weight I had gained until seeing myself in pictures. I have decided not to take anymore pictures until I feel comfortable with myself again. It makes me feel better to know other people are experiencing exactly what I am. You are also gorgeous, btw! :-)
ReplyDelete