Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dry Skin Moisturizing Essentials

I've always been an oily skin girl. I still am, but lately I've been more dry than usual! Not just on my face either, but all over! I have to admit, I expected to be an oil slick when the warm season came rolling in, but it totally went in the opposite direction this year. My dryer skin has got me in a moisture craving kick! I feel like I just need it 24/7 and I can't get enough.

Since I've never had dry skin before and could only touch on products with you guys that helped my oily skin, I'm gonna be sharing some products that I've been using to combat this sudden dryness that have really been helping my skin stay hydrated and feeling fresh!

I'd love if all you dry skin ladies (and gents) would let me know you're favorite moisturizing products! I'm definitely on the lookout for some new hydrating skin and body care products! & even though dryer skin is just as much of a pain in the butt as oily skin is, I'm excited to be opened up to a whole new array of products that never applied to me before. For starters, I can't wait to get my hands on an argan oil!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


So I know that I've been totally slacking on beauty posts on this blog lately. Actually, just posts in general, but mostly beauty posts. But before I go on about that, there's something I want to touch on with you all:
Okay, so I will admit that I've never been the most consistent blogger, but I struggle a lot with my insecurities and 9 times out of 10 I'm too discouraged to be as consistent as I'd like to be. It's an issue. But an issue I'm trying to work on, nonetheless.
Well lately I've been SUPER inspired. By so many things. My insecurities and lack of confidence in my blog do get the best of me sometimes, but what I've realized lately is that blogging shouldn't be a struggle. It shouldn't be stressful. Insecurities shouldn't matter. It's your blog, so you can say what you wanna say, post what you wanna post, just be yourself, if no one likes it, then so be it. What's the worst that can happen? That's what I'm trying to teach myself. Overanalyzing and blogging shouldn't go so hand in hand.
So fuck it.
(photo from Pinterest)

Basically what I'm trying to say is, I'm really going to try and give you guys some good stuff from now on, and be as frequent as possible! So I hope you guys enjoy what's yet to come! With that being said, I thought I'd share a couple upcoming blog posts that I have planned for you over the next couple weeks! I'd also love any requests you might have!
I hope you're all as excited as I am.

  • Daytime Smokey Eye ft. Naked Basics Palette
  • Everyday Voluminous Straight Hair Tutorial
  • How To Style Natural Hair
  • How to: Glowy Skin for Summer
  • Summer Beauty Favorites
  • What's In My Makeup Bag
  • Beach Bag Essentials
  • Modern Pinup Hair and Makeup Look
  • Lots of reviews and makeup looks --- but those you'll have to wait and see!

Don't forget to follow me on Bloglovin' to keep track of my posts! Google reader is due to expire soon! 

 photo lovekailan-2.jpg

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Lily's First Bath

So since I won't have an actual blog post for a couple of days, I didn't want to just leave you guys hanging so in this post I'm going to be sharing with you the absolute cuteness that was Lily's first bath last night.
She had gotten into something sticky so into the bath she went and while I washed her, Rob captured some of the cutest photos of her we have thus far!
Hope you guys enjoy them as much as we did!

Monday, June 10, 2013

My Summer 2013 Reading List

Pin It

Today's post is a very exciting one, for me at least, because I'm going to be sharing with you all my summer reading list! I've been feeling as though I've been slacking on reading books within the past year or two, so I'm also using this as a way to force myself to read more!

My hopes in sharing this reading list with you is to encourage you to pick up more books than you usually would this summer and I would absolutely love it if some of you were to incorporate this reading list (or even some of the books mentioned) into your summer as well.

My list consists of books I've been dying to read, as well as books by my favorite authors of which I have not read yet and have been meaning to. I intend to start reading these as soon as possible (I still need to purchase most of them--aah!) and I'd like to finish them by early September because I'll be starting another semester of college at that time!

*Being that 3 of these are book series', I don't plan to read every single book in each series during the Summer only. I want to finish one series (Maze Runner is top of my list) and then at least read the first book of the other series and then be able to finish them in the Fall.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

The Book Tag

    Besides collecting makeup and beauty products, I am obsessed with collecting books. Not only because I love to read, but I also just love the feeling of having a huge collection of books. I find there to be so much beauty in a packed bookcase hiding all these wonderful stories away and with all the eReaders that are out now, like the Nook and Kindle, I feel like it's even more sacred. Books hold a big place in my heart and even my fondest memories of my childhood correlate with books; Sleepovers before Harry Potter book releases, going to book signings, reading when times were hard... It's just always been my escape, my therapy, and my hobby!

    As you guys know if you've been keeping up with me on here, I plan to incorporate more book related content on the blog as a part of expanding this blog to contain all of my loves, not only makeup and beauty! I've only posted a book haul thus far, but I have a lot more posts up my sleeve in the near future! My next book related post is something I'm really excited for, because I'm composing a "Summer Reading List" for myself and can't wait to share it with you all! For today's post, however, I'm going to be doing a book tag!

    Tags are usually done in videos, but they can also be blogged! I took a tag I found on a book blog, as well as some random questions from different book tags I found and compiled them all together.
If you have a blog, I tag you to do this as well! & if you don't, feel free to do this (or even answer a couple of the questions) in the comments below! I'd love to read it and maybe get some ideas of new things to check out/get to know you guys better!


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Meet Lily

I mentioned in my last post that my boyfriend, Rob got me a new puppy for my birthday. If you're familiar with the fact that my beloved chihuahua that I had for nine years had passed away in January, then you probably already know how much of a hard time I was going through after losing her and dealing with her being absent from my life. With all of that being said, getting a new puppy was a pretty big step for me and it definitely wasn't a decision that I made overnight.
Even though it had been months since my dog, Gizmo, had passed away, I was having an extremely difficult time grasping the fact that she was gone forever. I found myself too many nights in a row up until late hours waiting for everyone to go to sleep and quietly crying in the bathroom. I still don't accept it and I doubt I ever will, but I knew that even though I would never in a million years want to replace who she was to me and her space in my heart, that I was yearning for the responsibilities and rewards that come with having a dog, or any pet for that matter. I also knew that getting a new dog would help the healing process in some weird way that's hard to explain.
Rob and I talked about it and occasionally I would look online for chihuahuas for sale in chicago. One time we even stopped at the nursery where we had bought Gizmo nearly 10 years prior and fell in love with a male chihuahua that they had for a whopping $1100! I was heartbroken that I couldn't take the puppy home with me, but there was no way I could afford to spend that much on a puppy and more importantly, justify putting that much money into keeping puppy mills up and running.
At the beginning of May, I came across an ad online that had three chihuahua puppies for sale and we contacted the owner for pictures and information. I fell in love with her through the photos and couldn't stop thinking about her. A couple days before my birthday (last Wednesday), Rob said to me, "Go get ready, we're going to pick up the puppy!" I was shocked and so excited. Even more so when I first saw her, because I instantly fell in love. She was perfect and everything I wanted in a puppy!

Now it's been over a week since I've had her and it's honestly felt like I've known her forever. She fit in so well with us and our family. She's love-able, playful, and well behaved at least 3/4 of the time haha. I'm so happy that I didn't wait to get a puppy because I feel so much better inside. I haven't been sad and dwelling since we've got here and through all the death and horrible times that have come into my life this year, she has brought so much light into my life and given me a new reason to wake up every morning!

I decided to name her Lily. I was dead set on naming my next dog "Luna", until I saw her. She was way too feminine and soft looking for that name, so I went with something better suited for her and I think she was born to be a Lily! She's a little over three months old and was born on Valentine's Day!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

My 20th Birthday & The Best Gift Ever!

So if you didn't know already, my birthday was this past Sunday (May 19th). I think it's safe to say that the theme of my birthday this year was definitely something along the lines of complete nostalgic sadness. I'm aware that that probably makes no sense to you all, since birthdays are typically associated with positive adjectives, but to put things in simpler terms: I hate my birthday. I didn't always, in fact, I couldn't wait to grow up and become an adult [when I was younger]. However that all changed last year when my 19th birthday hit. My birthday, being May 19th, makes turning 19 my golden birthday and also happens to be my favorite number. When I turned 19, I was done. I wanted to stay 19 forever. So when my birthday came rolling around this year, I was DREADING it with every inch of childhood I had left in me.
18 was no big deal - just another number, but being able to say that I'm now in my twenties really just freaks me out. I feel like I'm in one of those movies where a parent is taking their child to school that doesn't want to go, where it ends up with the child clinging onto the side of the minivan door being pulled by their legs to their impending educational doom, except I'm a grown women clinging onto the minivan of my childhood being pulled toward the impending doom of ....adulthood.
Have you ever heard the saying, "Don't grow up, it's a trap."? Well if you haven't yet, don't, because it is. I imagine it's not that hard for most people, this whole growing up thing, but you're talking to someone whose favorite type of movies are animated and refuses to sleep without a light on.
I know deep down I'll always be a kid at heart, but it just feels so weird growing up.
What do you guys think about it? Did you feel similar to this at any point in your life? And if so, when do you think is an acceptable time for someone to stop sleeping with their stuffed elephant named Fredrick...?

i have no shame..

ANYWAYS, here are some photos of my birthday. There's only a few and keep in mind it's nothing special, since I felt like the whole day was a big sham and not celebration worthy, but trust me, pizza, cake, and a good movie was all I needed to satisfy my deep sadness birthday needs!
Also, keep reading to find out about the most amazing gift that I received for my birthday!

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Sunday Bunday

If I haven't mentioned this before, I'm saying it now: Sundays are my freaking favorite day of the week. Why, you ask? I'll give you one good reason: nothing; Sundays = nothing. No school, getting to sleep in, catch up on a book, have some "me" time, and find random ways to blow through the half hour it takes to get another life on Candy Crush (are you obsessed with that game too?)
I'm not sure if Sundays are great for everyone, but I think that everyone should have at least one day (if you're able to) or even a couple of hours put aside to reconnect with yourself, pamper yourself, and just breathe. Simply just take some time alone to "come back to life", if you will.
In this post, I'm just going to share some things that I did on this Sunday. I'd love to hear what you guys like to do on your "off days" to relax, on whatever day that might be, so leave me a comment below and let me know!

Breakfast and Pinterest | Yoplait Light Harvest Peach & Ritz crackers w/ Port Wine cheese

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Current Blush Favorites

Besides eyeshadow, blush is one of my favorite makeup items to collect and wear! The type of blush you wear can really change your look, whether you're going for a natural flush or a bronze glow - and everything in between. Lately I haven't been sticking to just one blush, or just one shade range for that matter! I've been obsessing over an array of blush hues that are all perfect for the spring/summer season.  Depending on the kind of look I'm doing, I can count on any one of these four blushes to go perfectly along with it.

 photo IMG_8745_zps642abb8b.jpg
Pin It
 photo IMG_8797_zpsfa1cec2b.jpg

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Favorite Spring Nail Polish

My favorite types of nail polishes to wear have always been super light, pastel shades. I love how fresh and feminine that make your hands look and they go with anything! Not to mention the fact that light polishes also have a tendency to make you appear tanner than you really are - score! Well your hands at least..
These types of polish shades are perfect for the Spring time and even though I wear these colors year-round, I thought I'd share with you all some of my favorite bright & pastel colors that I like to wear in case you were interested in picking up some new bottles this season.
Let me know some of your favorite nail polishes for the Spring time in a comment below!

Pin It
 photo IMG_9393_zps9cc2bbc7.jpg
 photo IMG_9392_zpsf320f44d.jpg

Monday, April 22, 2013

Weekend Trip To Nashville, Tennessee + Life Update

So let's just start off by acknowledging the fact that I've been absent from my blog for way too long, probably the longest I've ever went without posting. My life, starting with the death of my dog, Gizmo, was the start of a giant whirlwind of death, depression, and stress that has overtaken my life over the entire span of what has been 2013. I'm definitely at a fork in the road of life, but things are slowly starting to fall back together and I'm finally starting to put back the pieces of my life.

So I'm sure you all know what happened at the beginning of January regarding my dog passing away and how much of a toll that took on me, emotionally and mentally. It sucked me into a deep sadness that still reigns over every single day. I have accepted things more, but every once in awhile I fall back to square one, feeling more empty than the time before. Sometimes I even forget that she's gone, like one time I caught myself saying, "Oh I can't wait for it to warm up so I can take...." before I remembered that she's gone and I can't take her for walks anymore. Things like that.

Anyway, about three weeks after her death, my boyfriend's grandpa passed away. My boyfriend, Rob, was legally adopted by his grandparents when he was a child, so they were his parents. The night his grandpa passed away, his grandma was completely out of sorts and ended up taking a fall which put her right in the hospital. I won't go into too much detail, but basically within two weeks she ended up passing away as well; Only two days after she had returned home from the hospital under hospice and Rob and I had agreed to take care of her as she needed. So not only was I going through this huge loss that gave me so much heartbreak and depression, my boyfriend, had lost both of his parents and his life had been completely turned inside out. He had to be strong for me, but then I had to be strong for him, even if I wasn't ready to be strong at all. It's so crazy to me how life has changed in only four short months and how with their death, came so many more things to deal with and those issues, such as cleaning and packing up an entire house alongside school and trying to still spend time with my family, takes up all my time. But regardless, I do apologize for being absent for so long. I slowly am getting a better grasp on everything and have been able to manage my time more easily lately, so I am trying to get more posts out. On the bright side, I've been extremely inspired lately with things I want to share with you guys, so I will try and set aside more time for blogging!

So two weeks ago, I finally got to take a break from all the madness that is my life and go on a weekend roadtrip to Nashville, Tennessee. It wasn't by any means meant to be a fun vacation or believe you me, I would have been hightailing my way to the Harry Potter theme park by now. We went to TN for my sister's cheerleading competition. It was Nationals, so it was a pretty big deal. Her team ended up getting 1st place in their division, so it was definitely worth while! Even though it wasn't meant to be a "fun" trip and we didn't get to do any sight seeing besides a walk and visiting shops in downtown Nashville for an hour or so, I still had a good time forgetting about real life for a couple days. Here's some pictures from my trip (mostly from my phone) and again, since we didn't do much, they're mostly random pictures, but regardless, I hope you enjoy!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Changes to Blogger and What It Means For You!! (Important Info)

A couple of weeks ago, Google announced that they are retiring Google Reader, the service that allows you to easily read blogs you are subscribed to. This change won't be going into effect until July of this year, so no need to panic...yet.
Instead of trying to explain it in my own words and offer alternatives to you all, I'm going to direct you to a blog post written by Dana, of The Wonder Forest blog. In the post, she explains everything in clear detail, telling you what this will mean for both bloggers and readers, alternative ways of subscribing to your favorite blogs, ways to back up your blog subscriptions so that they are not lost, as well as a petition that you can sign to oppose this change.
Click H E R E to see that blog post (I highly recommend doing so. Go. Read it now. You'll thank me later.)

Have you read it yet? Great! Now you're all up to speed. In the post, she provided links to other ways of subscribing and backing up your subscriptions. I'm going to link those in this post as well, in case you didn't do so already!

Google Takeout - allows you to back up all of your subscriptions into an archive

As an alternative feed reader, you can use Bloglovin' or Feedly.
Like Google Takeout, they also offer a way to automatically transfer your subscriptions so it's quick and easy to get back on track!
Click HERE to transfer them through Bloglovin'.
Click HERE to transfer them through Feedly.

Personally, I would reccomend using Bloglovin'. It's a great way to stay on track with new blog posts, in which you are notified of new posts by email, on your phone (both iphone and android), or by simply visiting the site and signing in. In case anyone is interested in how it works, here is a video:

My Bloglovin' link is always in the sidebar of my blog, with all of my social network links, but
click the icon below to visit by Bloglovin' page to follow me (unnecessary if you follow me on google reader and transfer your subscriptions to the site using the link provided above, in which case, you would already be following me)

Follow on Bloglovin

So I hope this isn't too confusing and too much of a hassle for you all. I know it's annoying and I totally think the saying, "Don't fix it if it ain't broken" totally applies here, except it's more like, "Go find something better to do than take away something that so many people use.."....right? ;)
In all seriousness, don't forget to transfer your subscriptions to stay in touch with your favorite blogs! I'd hate to lose you guys!
Again, if you haven't read the article by Dana from The Wonder Forest blog, please refer to the link at the beginning of the post!

Happy blogging and happy blog reading!

 photo lovekailan-2.jpg

Friday, February 8, 2013

DIY Makeup & Beauty Product Storage Ideas!

I'm such a sucker for great organization, especially when it comes to my makeup and beauty products! 
But let's face it, sometimes it can get pretty expensive to buy all those containers and organizers, especially when you have a lot of products to sort through! In this post, I'm going to be showing you all some simple and cute ways that you can organize your makeup, using items you probably already have laying around your house!

Monday, February 4, 2013

January Book Haul

So if you didn't know, I'm a HUGE book worm. I'm obsessed with reading. I talked briefly about how I'm going to be including all things I enjoy on this blog from now on, instead of just makeup and beauty. One of the things I want to share are books I like, buy, or am currently reading! I picked up some new reads at the beginning of January and didn't get to post this little book haul until now because of everything that happened this month, but here it is, better late than never! 

I can't wait to read the Divergent series! I've heard great things about it. A lot of people say that if you're a fan of the Hunger Games, that you'll like this series as well. The story is also based in my home city, Chicago!

I'm a HUGE fan of John Green's books. He's definitely one of my favorites. I've already started this one and I love it so far. Another favorite by him is Looking For Alaska, which is one of those "Coming of Age" books like Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chboski that you just HAVE to read or your life will never be complete.

This purchase I was most excited for. It's a Q and A A Day Journal. It asks a new question every day, and you answer each question for 5 years! I thought it was such a cool way to look back at your life and remember things that you might not have. I started mine on the first day of January! Can't wait to see how things have changed over the years, as well as how/if you've changed as a person!

So that's the end of my book haul. I have so many more books on my list to buy! I'll be sure to let you guys know of any more book purchases I make in the future! Let me know if you'd like to see more posts about some of my favorite books and other books I recommend!

Have you purchased any books lately? What are you currently reading?


Pin It

Sunday, February 3, 2013

MAC Prep and Prime Lash Review

So I recently reviewed my new favorite mascara, the Covergirl Clump Crusher. I've been in absolutely in love with it. Paired with it, I've also been obsessed with another mascara. This one isn't any old mascara, it's actually a lash primer! I first heard about this from one of my favorite girls to watch on YouTube, Abbie Durham (Click HERE to go to her YouTube channel. She's amazing, definitely go and check her out!). She doesn't post videos often, but she's absolutely gorgeous and very talented. One of the main reasons I love watching her, is because she always mentions really great products and usually they're things that I've never heard of! You guys know I love my DermaBlend Smooth Indulgence Concealer - heard
about that one from her as well! Well in all of her videos, she uses a lash primer, the MAC Prep and Prime Lash Mascara. Besides from her, I've never heard anyone talk about this product! Nonetheless, I decided to pick it up since she raves about it and now after using it, I can definitely see why! It does amazing things for my lashes and I'm absolutely in love!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Where Have I Been? // & The Day My Worst Nightmare Became A Reality

WARNING: This is an extremely long post. You're not obligated in any way to read it. This is explaining why I've been MIA and also telling a story, so to speak. I didn't have to write all of this, I mostly did it for myself and I'm just posting it in this incase you all would like to read. I understand some people might feel this is dramatic, but this is my life and this is how I feel. It was necessary for me to get it everything out in writing. If you do read all of this, however, .... I love you. :) 

So... I've got some explaining to do. It's been 3 weeks since I've posted anything, which some of you might be confused about since I was making all these promises left and right about new blog plans and about having all of these blog posts that I couldn't wait to share with you all.. & believe me, I didn't intend to even take a one day break from blogging because I literally had dozens of posts in mind, most of which I had already taken photos for.. I've been MIA from Twitter and Instagram just as well. I would have made this post a lot sooner, but every time I thought about doing writing it, I just couldn't bare it.. Because not only did I want to let you guys know what's been going on and why I've been gone, but for as long as I can remember, writing has always been the best way for me to vent; the best way to just really just get my feelings into perspective and clear my head- so I wanted to be able to write about the whole situation as best as I could. So again, I just couldn't bare it and even now, I'm dreading this. But I feel like it's necessary to really open up about it. And now that you're all probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about, I'll just go ahead and get into it. If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you already know...., but on Monday, January 7th (the day after my most recent blog post), my precious baby, my 9 year old chihuahua, Gizmo, passed away suddenly..

Anyone who knows me, knows that Gizmo is my baby. I treat her like a child and she loved me like I was her mother. Some people might think this whole post and everything I'm saying is too dramatic, but Gizmo was more than a pet to me. She was more than an animal. She was a huge part of my family, of my life, and had a huge place in my heart. She was my everything. & when I lost her, my whole world crumbled down around me. It was the worst, most traumatic experience that has ever happened in my entire life. I'm heartbroken and changed forever. Which is why I've been MIA for a couple weeks. I just could not get a grasp on my life and have not wanted to face anything.

I'm probably going to explain the situation, what was wrong with her, and everything that happened for those that care to know, but also, as stated earlier to vent and try to accept this in the best way I know how. So if you're not interested in this, then feel free to stop reading here. I don't want you guys to think I'm trying to look for sympathy or anything, because I'm not. I don't need it, but I just feel like this is necessary to do, even just for myself.

So just a little background on Gizmo. She was a 9 year old chihuahua. I've had her since she was 4 months old, since I was 10. So I've had her for nearly half of my entire life. Around the time I started college at the end of 2011, she started to get sick. (WARNING: about to give some TMI) At this point the only thing that was wrong with her was the fact that she developed chronic diarrhea (which she had every single day from then, until the day she passed, which I'm sure you can imagine how hard that was to deal with living in a house that's 98% white carpet). But we dealt with it because we loved her. In the Spring of 2012, she started to get really sick. This was around March (if you have followed me on Twitter for awhile, you probably remember me always posting about my sick baby girl and how sad I was all of the time) but it was around this time that she started to get really skinny, to the point where we could see her ribcage. She hadn't lost her appetite or anything and ate constantly, so we knew it might be something with her bowel issues and maybe she wasn't absorbing any nutrients. At this point, it was a couple months in with her having bowel issues, we assumed that [since it started around the same time that my sister got her cat, Marty] that maybe she had eaten some of the cat liter (we had caught her eating the pebbles that had fallen on the floor sometimes) and that maybe it had clumped up inside of her stomach and was causing these issues. We took her to the vet around this time and he gave us a liquid medication for the bowel issues that we had to give to her through a dropper type thing. She HATED it, so we tried to give it to her as little as possible. She would squirm so much. He also told us that we could give her Pepto Bismol if we knew she was having stomach/gas pains. Around this time, she was also started to breathe heavy all the time. It was like wheezing, rather than panting -because she did it with her mouth closed.

One night, she was wheezing pretty bad and I could tell she didn't feel good (I could always tell when she was having a really bad day/night with the discomfort/pain because of how her eyes looked, how she looked overall, and how she was laying.) I didn't want to just let her sit there and be in pain, so my boyfriend and I decided to try and give her some of the Pepto Bismol.  I was scared because usually my mom and her boyfriend gave her the medicine, but they were asleep as it was pretty late at night. I really could not watch her be given the medicine because it broke my heart to see how much she refused it, so Rob (my boyfriend) took her to my sister's room so that my sister could hold her still while he gave it to her. When they were up there, about 2 minutes went by and I'm sitting downstairs, and all of the sudden I hear someone knocking on my mom's bedroom door. I ran to to the stairs and asked what was wrong and Rob just said, "Gizmo's not breathing." I flipped out, started screaming and crying. I just collapsed on the ground. That's all I knew until he brought her back out and said, "She's okay now." Then I found out what happened. I guess as my sister was holding her still and she realized she was about to get the medicine, she got really scared and started shaking and not being able to breathe (we later found out she had had a seizure) so my sister put her down on the bed right away and then she stopped breathing, her eyes were wide open, and she slipped off my sister's bed and it hadn't even phased her, so she was completely unconscious. My boyfriend grabbed her, pumped her chest, and she jumped back up. She was conscious again, but she was very much out of it and was extremely weak. So we made her comfortable and we stayed up all night into the day with her until we the animal hospital opened in the morning. When we took her to the vet, they did an x ray on her. They found a mass of something in her stomach, which could have been cat liter, but the vet said that it was most likely a tumor, which explained the chronic diarrhea. This also meant that, if that were a tumor, that she had stomach cancer. Cancer. Not only that, though. On the X-ray, they saw that she had fluid in her lungs (which caused her wheezing and shortness of breath) and in her abdomen, as well as most likely having congestive heart failure. They wanted us to pay for ultrasounds to get a closer look and follow that up by getting an EKG and other tests to see if she would be in stable enough condition to have surgery to try and get the mass or "tumor" out, which was a life or death situation all in itself. All of this would have cost thousands of dollars that we did not have to spend. So they gave us 4 different kinds of medication that she would have to be on for the rest of her life, for her bowel issues, one to drain the fluid in her lungs, an anti-inflammatory, and another one for a urinary issue I believe.

It took her some time to regain strength and start gaining weight and eventually, returning to her normal self (minus the bowel problem, which never left), but it was all thanks to the medication. It kept her comfortable, stable, and most of all, alive. But the medicine didn't kick in right away. It took time. Time that included so many sleepless nights filled with her being uncomfortable and in pain. She did certain things that would indicate to us that she was having a painful episode, which were: moving around every two seconds (can't get comfortable), rubbing her face with her arms, biting her nails and paws, bubbling noises in her stomach, and her making moaning noises. There was one night in May that she got really bad. She had all of those symptoms, but more intense than usual. She was moaning in agony. Moaning in a way where I didn't even know a dog could make this noise. It was like a human moan. We stayed up with her all night, never left her side. Around 11am, I decided to take a quick nap on the couch next to everyone, while Gizmo was the most calm she had been all night, and was on the floor beside me. I woke up about an hour later, because she had tried to jump on my face (assuming to wake me up) and when I did, she jumped up on the couch, laid down flat on her side, and moaned loud enough for you to hear on the other side of the house. I remember this so clearly, because this was the day I thought she was going to die. I looked at her and then I looked at my mom, who was crying, and I just could feel it. I asked my mom, "Is she gonna make it?" and my mom said, "I don't think so, Kay." and we all said goodbye to her. I just felt like this was it. I prayed to God to keep her safe. I sung to her the song I always sung to her, "You are my Sunshine." and I said these exact words, "I know you're sick. It's okay to let go. You can let go and all of this pain will go away. You'll always be my princess, but if you let go, you'll become my angel and you can visit me whenever you want. You can stay right here with us." I just laid by her, pet her, repeated this, told her "sweet dreams, princess" over and over and over. And then she got better. and better. and by the end of the night she was nearing her normal self. It was a fucking MIRACLE. I'm not even exaggerating. Months and months went by and she stayed her normal self. No episodes in pain, no moaning, no feeling like she's not going to make it. She was better again. Well, as long as she had her medicine. I had never had so much hope and faith in my entire life as I did after that. The rest of 2012, she was normal again. Happy as ever. Lovable as usual. Always wanting treats and to go for walks. She was Gizmo. She wasn't dominated by her sickness, she was just herself again.

Now in the midst of all of this, I was looking up stomach cancer in animals on the internet and had read something that stuck out in my head. It said something along the lines of, "animals with stomach cancer, with the help of medication, can live up to a year or so comfortably before it will become too much." It always stuck out in my head. But when she got better, I thought, "Well maybe it wasn't a tumor, maybe it was really clumped up kitty liter that she just could not pass. Maybe that's what all those painful episodes were, maybe that was just the process of getting it to pass and maybe because she's better now, it's out of her stomach." We never took her back for all those tests. We didn't want her to go through a life-threatening surgery. We just made sure she was always comfortable and always had her medicine. She still did have those bowel issues, which I, again, had a "theory" (more like an excuse to avoid the truth) which was that maybe the cat liter had just destroyed her stomach and ability to go to the bathroom correctly. Sounded like a logical explanation, right? :/

Fast forward to December of 2012. Last month. It was getting harder and harder to give her her medicine. She had caught on to us, something she rarely did, and everytime we would try and give her a treat (with the medicine concealed inside), she would pick it apart, knock the pill out, and eat the food only. We tried everything that usually worked. The only thing that was effective that we could do to force her to eat it, was to crush it up and stick it in peanut butter. I found out this trick when she was getting sicker, not feeling good all the time because it had been too long since she had had her medicine because it came so impossible to sneak it to her, when searching online for ways to do it. The idea behind it is that you stick it in the peanut butter and try and lift up the side of their mouth and quicky just stick it as close as you can to the inside of the mouth because since it's so sticky, they'll have no choice but to lick it up. This peanut butter trick was literally worse case scenario because it was SO hard to get it close to her mouth before she could realize what was happening and it broke my heart at her reaction to it, because I knew she hated it and she would do everything to try and shake it off. It also got even harder, because from going too long without the medication, it takes a few doses (and days) for it to kick in, so I'd have to keep giving her the peanut butter and she would be getting sicker, so it made me feel worse about giving it to her.

Fast forward again to Christmas Day. Well, Christmas Day... but at night. She had an episode of pain, one like she did that night in April when I thought I was going to lose her. She had had a couple of these throughout the months, mostly towards the end of the year, but not bad at all, just tiny little ones which we attributed to her probably being constipated and having gas pains. Well this day, she got bad. And I didn't know why. I assumed that maybe since I was giving her peanut butter everyday, maybe it was making her really constipated, since I knew she was in pain because she could not go to the bathroom. She kept trying, but couldn't. It was the worst night in a while, but luckily, once she was able to go to the bathroom again, it was all good from there. Other than that, there was a couple times in December where she just had a look in her eyes and demeanor where I could tell she didn't feel good. I feel like maybe subconsciously I knew that she didn't have much time left. Because I found myself, many times repeating that same goodbye mantra that I did back in April when I thought I was going to lose her, just in case. You know, so she would know that it's okay. So if she was at all scared, maybe it would give her some piece of mind. I never consciously thought that for a second she didn't have much time left, though. Ever. Maybe it was denial, who knows. Looking back, it seems like it was. But subconsciously, I think maybe my heart could just feel the day approaching, because not only was I saying my "just in case, goodbyes", but I found myself taking random photos and videos of her throughout the month of December more than usual and my logic behind that was, "Oh, one day I'll be happy I took this when I don't have her anymore. I just want to capture her as much as I can now while I have the chance" I did this same thing when I started college because I knew I would see her less. Also, in December, I got really bad separation anxiety with her. Anytime I was sitting down, she had to be in my lap. That also resulted of like 50 pictures of her sleeping in my lap from December alone. I didn't even leave the house barely at all, except for Holiday get togethers. Mostly because I was on Winter Break and I just wanted to be home, but I didn't want to leave her either.

In the first week of January, which I had no idea was her last, my mom kept hinting to me that maybe she's not going to make it much longer. Even though she was perfectly fine other than those couple tiny pain episodes and one big pain episode, it's weird looking back at how we almost knew. Well, I knew somewhere deep down (as I stated above), but I've always been the type to see the better side of a situation, even it's a make believe, sugar coated way of thinking. My mom, on the other hand, has always had a realistic point of view. She prepares for the worst and has always had this amazing intuition and somehow I think she knew. There was at least 3 instances all in that first week of January that my mom hinted that she might be nearing her end.

So moving on to Sunday, January 6th. My mom and Rob went to work and I spent the day blogging, reading, and laying in my room all day with Gizmo. Her bed is a pile of her favorite blankets along with a robe that I got for Christmas that she loved the feel of so I added it to her blanket stash. She laid there as I laid on my bed and wrote my Sunday Ramblings post, the last post on here before this one. It a nice, relaxing day. I was so hyped up on life. I was so excited to finally be motivated to lose weight after struggling with getting motivated for so long. I was beyond ecstatic for all of the blog changes and posts I had to do. I felt so good about the future and the things to come. It's not often that I feel this way either. I've been down more times than up in 2012 and I was ready for 2013 to change my life.
That night, I had to leave. I was going to stay at my boyfriend's house, because I had to go to my school the next day and register for classes (my school is closer to his house, so I always stay there when I have to go there the next day for something/during the week when I have school). & this is what kills me. Ask anyone, before I go ANYWHERE, I always say a long goodbye to Gizmo. Especially when it's going to be overnight or a couple days. I'll hug and kiss her. Tell her where I'm going and when I'll be back. Out of habit, I say, "if you miss me, just go in my room." and say goodbye. Well for some reason (and I hate the world for letting it be this way), it didn't happen this way that night. Also, keep in mind that this was the FIRST night that I would have left my house for more than a couple hours in about a MONTH. First time I was really going to be away from her since I got on Winter Break. About a half hour before I left, she wanted to be lifted onto the couch (she could get up herself, but not when she feels unstable), so I helped her up. For the last couple of days, she had been sensitive in her armpit area. I thought maybe she slipped on the tile, because she does do that if she gets her medicine for the first time after going without it for a couple days. So when I picked her up on the couch, I picked her up from her armpits and she yelped because it hurt her. I put her down right away and she kinda just collapsed in the place I put her down at. I felt bad, so I just snuggled her up in a blanket, told her I was leaving and that I'd be back tomorrow. Not the whole usual spiel, but I let her know I was going to be leaving. I gave her some kisses and walked away. We left about a half hour later, but before I left, instead of giving her a proper goodbye, I just looked over the couch where she was laying and said, "Bye, princess. I'll see you tomorrow, baybalove." (and yes, I remember exact words.) She just looked up and me and I blew her a kiss and that was it. That was the last time I saw her. The last time she saw me. I think about the that look all the time. I play that over in my head. Her looking up at me. She had concerned eyes. & I wonder if when she looked up at me, if she knew she wouldn't see me again. It makes me feel awful that I left that way, so quickly. I should have said goodbye like I usually do. Why didn't I? It's not fucking fair.

I woke up at 9 a.m the next morning to a text from my mom complaining about my grandparents. I replied and my boyfriend and I just laid in bed talking and at around 9:30, my mom called. I answered, and she asked to talk to Rob. I handed him the phone and they started talking. I was looking at him the whole time and a couple seconds into the phone call, he looks at me, and I notice him trying pressing the button on the side of my phone to turn the volume down. I knew when I saw that that something had happened. Didn't know what, I was worried, but I wasn't like freaking out or anything. He sat up and walked away, still on the phone. He came back a minute later, sat on the bed, said "come here" and grabbed me in a hug. I said "What's wrong?" and he didn't say anything. I just fucking knew. I just started crying and asked "What happened" again. He said, "Baby, Gizmo's not waking up." and I could tell in his voice that he was about to cry. I jumped up, started screaming, crying. Screaming, "NO". Falling to the floor. Everything was just spinning around in my head. Did I even really wake up this morning? I grabbed my coat and purse and we ran out. I screamed the whole car ride home, while trying to convince myself that it was just another episode of pain. I thought, if she's not waking up... maybe she's in a coma! That's it, she's just in a coma. I'll get home, and I'll wake her up. She'll wake up for me. I looked up how to perform dog CPR a couple months ago, I'll try that on her and see if it works. Grabbed my phone, looked up about dog comas in the last 10 minutes of the car ride. I sincerely did not feel in my heart that she was gone. I looked in the sky and felt nothing. I was not convinced. It was definitely a coma. Definitely. Had to be.

When we pulled in the driveway, I jumped out of the car before it even stopped completely. Ran inside. Dropped my shit and screamed, "Where is she?!" My mom said in the living room and I swear I had almost forget how to get to my goddamn living room, because I had circled around the kitchen before I got to it. I had in me every last bit of hope that I had tried to muster up in what felt like the longest car ride of my life and when I walked in the living room, peered around the dining room table, that last bit of hope I had didn't even have time to drain from my mind, it was just instant. One fucking nanosecond for that hope to just go from being inside of me to being on what could have been another fucking planet, because with one look at her, I knew she was gone. She was gone forever and there was nothing I could fucking do about it. One look. That's all it took. In that second, my whole world came crashing down. My worst nightmare became a reality. There's literally not any words to describe that exact feeling that I felt when I realized that she was gone. My baby. My princess. My heart. It wasn't her time. It fucking wasn't. God stole her from me. She was mine, not anyone else's.
I was screaming and crying louder than I ever have in my entire life. This is so hard to write.... I laid down by her, tried to level my head with hers. I looked into her eyes saying, "My baby. My baby. Noooooo. This can't be happening." I said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Baby, I'm so sorry." I should have been there for her, I should have fucking been there. Her eyes were empty. She was so cold. I laid by her for over an hour. I didn't care if she was dead, she was my fucking baby. I just petted her, talked to her. I told her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, how much I was going to miss her. I told her the story of how we met, which was something I did whenever she didn't feel good, in case there was any chance she could understand what I was saying and if she did, if there was any chance it would cheer her up. I told her how it was love at first sight. How we grew up together, me and her. How she'll always be the only one in this entire world that could never ever hurt me- something else I always told her. How she'll always be my princess. I sang "You are my sunshine" over and over & every time I got to the part where it goes, "please don't take my sunshine away," I wanted to scream and pound my fists on the ground because life had just taken my sunshine away. I told her what I told her on that day in March when I thought I was going to lose her, only this time it was all in past tense.
"I know you were sick. It's okay that you let go. I told you it was okay to let go and now all of this pain is gone. You'll always be my princess, and now, you're my angel and you can visit me whenever you want. You can stay right here with us. You don't have to leave forever."
I tried to soak in all of things that I would never get to again. I tried to take mental photos. Close my eyes and try and capture the way everything feels. I pet her face. Twirled my fingers around her ears. Smelled her ears. She always, always, always smelled like maple syrup. No matter what. I had no idea why. Held her paws. I traced the little spot on her neck where a tuft of her fur curled up in a little circle. Looked at her. Tried to memorize her spots. Before it was gone. Before it was gone forever. My perfect little baby. She deserved the world. She was perfect. She did not deserve to be sick. She didn't deserve to die. She deserved a million more days. A million more kisses. A million more snuggles. A million more treats. A million more walks. It was the most unfair thing I had ever witnessed. I would have given her years of my life if I could have. That's how much I loved her. 
I could sit here and try and explain all of the things that I felt. All the things I didn't. But I'd be here forever. Mostly drawing blanks, because I mostly am speechless. Shocked. Pissed off. Giving my middle finger to the world for taking my baby away from me.
The hardest thing of all to even try and put into words, is the feeling I had when the vet took my baby out of my arms, through the door, and shut it. The feeling before that, knowing this is the last time that I will look out of my eyes and see my perfect little angel & the feeling after that, knowing that I will never ever again open my eyes and see my perfect little angel right in front of me. I can't explain how much that hurts. How that makes me feel. I'll never be able to. It was the most hurt that I've ever felt. I felt like I was dying myself. I collapsed in that room. I don't even remember how I got back in the car. I don't remember the ride home. When I walked inside my house, I wasn't greeted by my happy dog who would bark and squeal and actually pee she would get so excited to see me, let me pick her up and she'd wrap her arms around my neck. (Ever seen a dog do that? It's the cutest thing ever. She could literally give hugs.) Instead I felt like I was walking through a ghost town. It was so empty. So empty without her. I didn't want to be awake or conscious. I didn't want to go to sleep either. Sleeping meant waking up and realizing that this isn't a dream all over again. 
I was like a mother losing her child. I lost a huge part of my heart that day and I will never be able to replace everything that she was to me. Every day it gets a little bit easier, but every night when I'm saying, "sweet dreams, princess." to the fucking air, it gets harder and harder. 

I was home all winter break. We all were. The first day I wasn't there in a month and within 20 minutes of the last child in my house leaving for their first day back to school, leaving only my mom at home.. Sitting on the couch, talking on the phone like usual.. She laid on the floor behind the couch my mom was on, positioned so that she was looking out of the window where the early morning sunlight was shining through. Her favorite place was always in the sun. & it's the there she slipped into her eternal sleep. My mom right there, though she didn't know... hell she had even seen Gizmo eating her dog food earlier that morning and filled up the bowl for her, talking away. & the only peace that I will ever have is knowing that she had passed away listening to the sound of my mom's voice. Knowing that she wasn't completely alone. 
She picked the first day in over a month that she was the most alone in the entire house. She chose then to pass away. She could have gone any day she wanted to in that time span, where we all would have been there, knowing it was the end, being able to say goodbye, and see her off. But it's clear that she didn't want that. She had to of realized that everyone was gone that morning and deemed it the perfect time to let go. Around 9 am, I woke up suddenly. Could have slept in, but I just woke up. At the same time, the last child in my house was leaving for school, Tristan, my mom's boyfriend's son. He saw her as he was leaving. My mom called 30 minutes later..
I'd like to sit here and say how she's not in pain anymore and think that she drifted off in a peaceful sleep, knowing that she was letting go, but accepting that, not scared, but happy and at peace. But when I found her, her mouth was open with her paw in her mouth. She chewed on her paws and her finger nails when she was uncomfortable and in pain. So how am I supposed to believe that she was at peace? I feel like she was alone and scared and in pain. Knowing that just cuts me like a knife. 

Nothing is the same anymore. For the first week, I was in complete shock. I felt like I was dreaming or awake in some twilight zone because it just did not feel real. She was just here. Just on my lap. Just on this couch. I just took this picture two days ago, how could she be gone? So many things were running through my head. I didn't do anything. I didn't leave my house. Didn't put a stitch of makeup on. I did nothing. That diet I was going on? Yeah, right. For over a week until I was forced to, because of school starting, to pick myself back up. The second week, it was sinking in. The only way I've been able to deal with all of this is knowing that she had to of chose to go. The way she did, the timing, it just seems like she was holding on for us.. and that the first chance she got to be alone, she let go. I've tried to make myself realize that she let go because she wanted to, because she couldn't take anymore. That she was probably worn out after dealing with all of this for over a year. That's been the only thing keeping me from falling apart over and over again every day. Because if this is what she wanted, how can I sit here and be sad? If this is what she wanted, how could I be so selfish to want her back here, in pain? So I accept the fact that she had to go, but I'll never stop being sad about it. I think constantly about all of the memories with her and I miss it all so much. I would do anything to have her back, even for just a day. Just to hold her, snuggle her, and kiss her. To sing to her one more time and tell her it's okay to let go. To say goodbye.
The sad thing is, Sunday, the day before, I thought she was getting better. She had acted like she was. It made me happy, since she had not been feeling good over the last couple weeks. It made me feel better about having to go back to school. I thought she was getting better and the next day she died.. It was so sudden and unexpected.
When I sat in my room on Sunday, finishing up taking some blog photos and was putting my camera away, I looked over at her laying in her bed. She looked so cute. I just stopped what I was doing. Grabbed my camera back up and took a picture of her. I just felt compelled to. Little did I know it was the last picture that would ever be taken of her.

This is that last photo. The day before she died. You can see in her eyes that she did not feel well.

It literally kills me to know that I have to live the rest of my life without her. I never want to forget what it's like to have my precious angel in my life. I don't want the years to go by and her memory to fade. It kills me to think of that. I'll never be the same. There's a huge hole in my heart. My life feels like an abandoned building, I feel like a remnant of myself, and my little baby is now a pile of fucking ashes. I carry her urn everywhere with me. I bring it to my room at night and in the morning I put her by the window in the living room, in the sunlight. When I watch movies, she's on my lap. It's like she never left. I talk to her all day constantly. I pretend like she's there. I change her water bowl every day with fresh water. Her bed is still in my room. But it's not the same. I end up just feeling stupid. I lay blankets down next to me wherever I sit for her ghost to lay on. Because if she's here, I know she'd come and lay there. I get mad when somebody accidentally sits on it or puts something on it. Like they should have known she was there or something.
The death of an animal might not be as dramatic and life changing to some people, but to me, I was losing my baby. A part of me. She was like a sister, because we grew up together. She was like my child, because that's how I treated her. I've never been so lost in my entire life.

I miss you baby Giz. Rest in peace, babygirl.


Sunday, January 6, 2013

Sunday Ramblings: Weight Loss Journey Begins, Diet Issues, & Currently Reading

Hey everybody! I hope you're all having a great start to your 2013! Today I'm going to be starting what I hope will be a new "series", if you will, that I want to do once a week. If you read my Holiday blog post, you know that I have plans to expand my blog past simply makeup and beauty. It still will revolve mostly around those things, but I will also touch on my life, as well as other things that I enjoy! I want this blog to be more personal and interactive, so I hope that you all will enjoy these changes as they come!

Like I mentioned, I'm going to be posting what is essentially like a journal, diary, whatever you chose to call it. I think of it more as a "life log"; sharing things in my life with you guys, allowing you to respond, and we can communicate with each other! I want to try and put these up once a week, on the same day. I'm going to chose Sunday, since it's usually the most calm day of the week! I tried to think of a nice title to these posts, but only came up with "Sunday Ramblings", which I think is fitting. If you guys can come up with a better name, let me know! So basically, in these posts, I'm going to be sharing things that have been weighing on my mind, have happened, are going to happen: you get the idea. I'm also going to update you on my aspects of my weight loss journey. However, I might make that into separate blog posts, if you guys would be interested in hearing more.

In these posts, I'm also going to be sharing photos from my week. When it dawned on me a couple weeks ago that 2012 was about to be over, I tried looking back at photos to see how myself as well as other people in my life have changed over this past year. I used to be a crazy photographer lady and have thousands of pictures because I would capture the moment any chance I could, but for 2012 I had close to none. I was really disappointed, so that's why one of my New Year's resolutions is to take more photos. Since I'm doing that, what better way to give you all a glimpse in my life than with photos! They won't always be interesting and memory-worth and they might not always be taken with my DSLR, but I'll make a point to capture the things that are appealing to me through the week, with my camera or phone, whether it be something I ate, did, made, read, cooked, etc. You get the idea. The idea of doing these posts is kind of like the blog version of a "follow me around" vlog, if you think about it. Kinda. Not really. But a little.. & don't be afraid to respond and share some things happening in your life! I respond to every comment :)

If you like these kind of posts, let me know! If you don't, let me know also!
So without further adieu, here's the first installment of "Sunday Ramblings"!


So yesterday (Saturday, January 5th) was my first official day starting my exercise/diet routine. I'm really clueless when it comes to the whole health and fitness thing, but I'm trying to just take baby steps and ease my way into it. Any other time I've tried to start getting in shape, I've jumped full force into it and tried to go from nothing to p90x. That kind of commitment, I think, requires some experience and practice before beginning. Plus, it would never last. I'd be so sore and tired that I'd give up within a week. So like I said, baby steps. For right now, I'm relying on my exercise bike more than anything. I've had one in my room for months and had been using it as a place to hang my purse/coat, lol. It's crazy how many calories you burn and it's not even that hard. As you can see from the picture, for about an hour of going at a moderate speed, I burned over 600 calories! Maybe that's not really a lot, because really what do I know, but seems like a lot to me! I also am doing some arm weights and I'll probably do the Ab Ripper dvd from p90x a couple times a week. I'll probably end up doing p90x (I've owned it forever) soon, but I want to build up some endurance before I start that.

Oh, and can I just say that last night my legs were SO sore. Like I've been sore before, but holy shit, I think I might have overworked them 'cause they were burning like a mo'.


Saturday, January 5, 2013

Review: Covergirl Clump Crusher Lashblast Mascara

Guys I think it's time I told you... that I've fallen in love... and it's not with my boyfriend this time.. It's with the new Covergirl Clump Crusher Mascara! If you've been disappointed by all the new mascaras that have come out recently or are on the lookout for a good mascara, go out and pick this one up right now! In a couple short weeks, this mascara has become... dare I say it... my new favorite drugstore mascara! Of course, I still love my beloved Loreal Telescopic Mascara, but this one.... just takes the cake. I love everything, from the formula to the brush and everything in between. Well, not so much the bright green color of the tube - but hey, it's easy to spot in my makeup drawer! And now that I mention it, I'm not a fan of the name either.. Kinda cheesy, kinda gimicky. But with a mascara like this that does what it claims, name shmame.




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...